Central to the STAR retreat experience is an in-depth exploration of your early life—family of origin. Who were the main players? What were their attitudes and beliefs? What happened, for better and for worse? And most important, who did you become in response to it all?
Your environment as a child had a profound impact on the person you became. Like a plant that thrives in a well-tended garden, so it is with a child. Unconditional love, positive regard, and a stable family life produce healthy and happy children who in turn grow up to be happy and healthy adults. Sadly, this is not the story of many people who come to STAR Intensive Retreats.
Being the child of parents who were either too smothering or too aloof, who were too young or too old, or who lacked parenting skills, can twist the development of a child’s personality. Basic self-esteem and fundamental trust and feelings of self worth can be damaged by mental, emotional, and physical violence and abuse. Verbal abuse in the form of criticism, ridicule, and humiliation frequently result in feelings of shame and lack of confidence. Children growing up in families fractured by bitter divorce, or undue hardships such as addictions, and lack of basic resources are frequently left with problems of depression, anxiety, or a variety of other limiting personality characteristics.
Being an only child, or one of many, may also affect the child’s perception of him or herself, and of relationships with others. This may also hold true in families where one or more parent is famous or infamous.
Growing up in a family that is “different” from the prevailing culture may present its own particular challenges. For example, when one or more parent has been absent (death, divorce, abandonment, etc.) or is medically or mentally ill, the familial stability and safety are not provided in which children can grow and thrive in healthy ways.
Children raised by gay, lesbian, or transgender parents, or in families that are multigenerational or communal may feel at odds with more traditional families. This may lead to confusion of emotions and expectations. The more non-conventional the upbringing, the more solid and clear the home environment needs to be. This helps temper whatever social pressures are exacted on the child and the family.
Coping styles in dysfunctional families are as varied as the children who live in them. What they all have in common, however, is that these coping strategies were conceived in an effort to survive. For that reason, many are intimately attached to their strategies. Over time, even though we move out of our family and into the world, our strategies come with us. The problem is that what worked as a child most often does not work in our adult life. For example, a child may find refuge in school and learn to excel in all matters intellectual. The continued pursuit of intellectual excellence, however, won’t work when this person attempts to have an adult intimate relationship. Or another child who copes by trying to please everyone around him or herself in order to secure love seriously compromises the ability to be present and grounded in one’s own truth in adult life.
Family of Origin Therapy during STAR allows understanding your past. The experiential format of the STAR retreat gives you the opportunity to express and release all the feelings, thoughts, and sensations attached to your childhood experience. It allows you to reclaim your birthright—who you truly are. Many participants, who go through the STAR journey, express infinite gratitude at the experience of no longer living their lives in response to a past that no longer exists.
STAR is the most profound healing experience I’ve had so far.
And I’ve been on this journey for a while now.
This was the greatest gift I could have given myself.
I’ve unlocked the treasures that are within me and let go of the crap
that I learned in my family.
Graduate—October, 2008
Also see:
The STAR Process
What Graduates Say about STAR Retreats
The Value of a Personal Growth Retreat
Frequently Asked Questions