Facing the Fire

STAR Foundation Newsletter
 

Facing the Fire
by Jed Appelrouth

Anger may be the most immediate and powerful of human emotions; and it may be the least understood. Because of its raw power and perceived danger, the emotion of anger is symbolized by the element of fire. Like fire, anger has the potential to destroy, as well as the potential to clear away what is dead and make room for new growth. Fire and anger embody the power of transformation. Anger flowing in our veins makes us feel powerful, and directed at us, anger can make us feel incredibly small and powerless. Religion tells us not to be angry; psychology warns us of the dangers of excessive anger; medicine tells us that suppressed anger leads to innumerable health problems. Most of us are extremely confused about anger, and are unsure what to do with this continually recurring emotion.

During the course of the STAR-sponsored workshop, Facing the Fire, co-facilitated by John Lee (author of Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately) and Karen Blicher, 30 individuals from around the country came together to address our collective confusion surrounding anger and explore this most misunderstood of emotions.

The facilitators, both John and Karen, were extremely approachable and compassionate. They shared their truths and life stories, and opened the doors for us to share our own experiences revolving around anger. As participants, we learned and practiced techniques to help us better process anger and integrate this essential emotion into our lives. The first lesson in re-integrating anger into our lives centered on addressing all the anger we have historically failed to express. Unexpressed feelings often find their way into our bodies and end up manifesting in ways that can be detrimental to us. Unexpressed anger, rage, may be the most toxic emotion to our health, our relationships, to the overall quality of our lives. Consequently, the most direct way to achieve a healthier relationship with anger is to begin to lessen the load of historic anger we are carrying around in our bodies.

The method for anger release was one quite familiar for us STAR grads, akin to the “feeling sessions” from STAR workshops. John worked with people one at a time, leading them back toward their painful memories, finding the old emotions and letting them release the emotions through yelling, hitting pillows, twisting towels, and other techniques. The emotional level was intense. Many STAR grads immediately saw this as a valuable opportunity to dive back in and do some of their own healing “work.”

Beyond the catharsis of anger release, we also had a chance to learn about John’s philosophy and how to express anger appropriately in the present. We learned that expressing anger appropriately has several basic steps. First we need to remove ourselves from the anger-causing situation, and take the time to sift through our emotional reactions and distinguish our historical emotions from the present situation, (i.e., make sure we are expressing anger at our spouse, not stored rage at one of our parents/bosses). Once we’ve identified specifically what we are upset about, we need to re-center ourselves, or “grow ourselves back up” before we approach the other person. People in our support network can help us by providing attention, empathy, and appropriate touch, while we can help ourselves by taking time away, and through emotional release work. Once we are re-centered and breathing deeply, we engage the other person and sincerely express our emotions to them, conveying our hurt and anger without blaming, criticizing, or attacking them.

It makes sense. But it’s anything but easy. John and Karen readily acknowledged how difficult this work is, and reaffirmed that they are often in the muck with the rest of us. But if we continue to engage in this work and “face the fire” of our anger, ultimately, we can transform anger into a powerful ally. For anger, in the positive, can be a healing force, leading us to achieve greater emotional integrity, intimacy, and healthier boundaries and relationships.
 

John Lee has authored two books relevant to this workshop: “Facing the Fire,” and “Growing Yourself Back Up.” To get information on John Lee, go online to his Web site at www. jlcsonline.com.